IT'S that time of year again: Ruck & Maul's annual awards for those who have shocked, bewildered, or just plain got away with loony antics. Rugby is safe when it continues to develop such characters as … well, just read on.
The What's Doing? Award for outrageous behaviour: Only one candidate. Come on down, Springboks coach Peter de Villiers, the most bizarre character to ever coach a Tri Nations team. A De Villiers press conference is like walking into a Richard Pryor stand-up routine, with Sammy Davis jnr as his back-up. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. De Villiers came up with such gems as: "I know dancing is also a contact sport, but rugby is far from dancing. If you want to run with the big dogs, then sometimes you have to lift your leg."
Or how he planned to motivate his team before an All Blacks Test: "I'll tell them talk is cheap and money buys the whiskey." Or his philosophy on life: "What we try to tell them is when you point your finger into the sky, don't concentrate on the finger because you'll miss all the heavenly glory out there. Concentrate on the heavenly glory that you can bring and make yourselves so fulfilled." Or showing up his critics: "The same people who threw their robes on the ground when Jesus was on the donkey are the same people who crowned him and hit him with sticks. But they're also the same people who said they shouldn't have done that afterwards because he really was the son of God … but I'm not saying I'm God." Stop. Enough is enough. Until we get to our Quotes of the Year.
The How Not to Run a Professional Organisation Award goes to … again, only one nomination. The NSW Rugby Union won this without getting into a canter. They dump the head coach without having a replacement ready to jump in. They dump the coach without telling some of their board members. Officials who were there the last time the organisation went bust have too much of a say. They try to blame the media for their inadequacies. Some of their officials continue to embarrass themselves with either moronic statements or "out to lunch" behaviour. The Waratahs players try to distance themselves from the heavies in front office. Countless good players leave, and next season looks very grim. Apart from that, everything is spiffing in Waratahland.
Highlight of the Year: Tah Man hopping out of the helicopter at SFS. Tah Man at City to Surf. Tah Man hassling the players at the top of Centrepoint Tower. Tah Man being Tah Man.
Lowlight of the Year: A NSWRU heavy losing the plot when announcing Chris Hickey as new Waratahs coach and then getting uppity with the media's line of questioning.
Player of the Year: Ryley Batt in the Australian wheelchair rugby team. A superstar at the Paralympics. If the Wallabies want to be inspired, get him to one of their training sessions. Also, three cheers to George Smith, who after getting off the plane last Sunday from the Brisbane Test went straight to the Harbord Harlequins presentation day, where he and his brother Tyrone handed out trophies, signed autographs and fielded hundreds of questions. The Test breakaway even gave away his Test jersey from the previous night.
The Mr Honesty of the Year Award: Parramatta captain Scott Podmore, who shot from the hip when asked at the Shute Shield launch how his team would fare. He replied: "To be honest, our depth is not looking too good."
The Biggest Give-Up: Despite the murmurings that NSW were going to convince Dan Vickerman not to go to Europe, a NSW team official gave it away in South Africa when he said: "But Dan's already had his dog [Mollie] inoculated."
Best Lost in Translation Story: At an Easts reunion this year, the story was told of Fijian prop Jim Tomici trying to explain his bung knee to then coach Greg Smith. When Smith asked what was wrong, Tomici replied, "I had a bit of trouble with Bob Dwyer." Stunned, Smith asked what the Wallabies coach had done to him. Tomici looked confused, before replying, "No, no, not Bob Dwyer - barbed wire".
Best Footy Food: The curried chicken on skewers, with or without bread, at North Sydney Oval. The sausage rolls at Subiaco.
Best Oldie But a Goldie Story Told At a Club Function: Well-known Sydney team gear steward to lower-grade player: "How did you go today, old man? Player: "Not very well. The coach pulled me off at half-time." After 30 seconds of silence, gear steward replied: "Gee, it's picked up. When I played they used to only give us oranges."
And finally, the Quotes of the Year:
"If you look at New Zealand and us and compare the players as a team, then you will see that we have much more talent."
- Yes, you guessed it … Springbok coach Peter de Villiers last February. NZ won the Tri Nations, the Springboks finished last.
"He looked at the big picture. But he had a lot of ideas, too. Way-out ideas. We listened to them but we didn't use too many of them."
- Stephen Larkham on former Wallabies coach Rod Macqueen.
"That's rugby. Now here's the team …"
- Ewen McKenzie's first words to the Waratahs players after they had been told he had been punted.
"Twenty thousand of them [New Zealanders] migrate here … each year, you would hope at least one of them would hold down a job."
- Queensland coach Phil Mooney about Robbie Deans.
"I never did a bloody thing before I got onto the field. I did a haka and now I'm ready for the match - that was the warm up." - Colin Meads.
"It is appropriate that he was sacked on April Fool's Day - the only conjecture is who were the fools."
- Alan Jones on the Ewen McKenzie-NSWRU brouhaha.
"I thought Weary Dunlop was a shoe."
- Unnamed writer at Weary Dunlop's induction to the Wallabies' Hall of Fame.
"The Wallabies players keep waiting for The Da Vinci Code to come out of his pocket."
- John O'Neill on Robbie Deans.
"We're not just big meatheads anymore: we can pass the ball and can run around."
- Wallabies prop Benn Robinson.
"Tah Man has a Tah Plan. I will win the City to Surf."
- Or finish 13,524th.
"I don't care who you support. As long as you are a great citizen of this country, you can support whoever you want. Just don't kill people." - Peter de Villiers.
Say no more. See you next year.
